Divorce

Not The Happily Ever After We Wanted

In any ideal world, we would all marry and live happily ever after. When there is not a complete and balanced commitment from both parties, this can result in a divorce and separate the family. Divorce is a loss, and requires the process of grief and time to heal. Putting pressure on yourself for what you could have done differently, for not seeing it sooner, for not hanging on for the sake of the children, or numerous other thoughts you may generate on yourself, does not help yourself within the healing process.

It is not uncommon for two people to grow together with one always being the dominant one when it comes to compassion and patience, or when two people in love grow apart with time. Love is a powerful force and the most powerful of all. But sadly, in the times we live in, even the best love can be challenged to a breaking point.

My Story

Divorce is more commonly heard in today’s society. It feels like its more common then when I was a kid with my parents’ divorce in 1995.  I was the only one out of the group of my friends until about high school that had divorced parents.  I always felt different having to tell my friends which parent’s house I was at that night or weekend. It also became difficult for me to understand what made my parents not want to be together and why they would leave one another’s side with four children. I may have been only 6 at that time, but I wish I had been able to talk to a therapist or learn easier ways to cope. The divorce of my parents was hard for me all the way through high school until it all made sense being able to see who each one of my parents were.

 What Can Happen When Families Split?

Divorce is not an easy step to take, especially with a family. Divorce is not only difficulty on the couple that is separating but if you have children, this can affect them as well. If a family has children involved, it is important to take the right action steps to help them cope with the situation. Divorce affects each kid differently, and some of the common childhood reactions to stressful family events are disorganization, regression, physical symptoms and acting out. 

 Some Coping Strategies During a Stressful Time

First know that going through this can be a very difficult time, no matter what the reasoning was for it.  There are different things one can do to help go through this tough time.

•   Know that it is completely normal to be upset and angered and not being able to completely understand how it got to this point.
•     Try to give yourself permission to feel this way and not feel up to going through a typical day.
•     Share your feelings with others, such as friends or family. You could join support groups or see a therapist to talk to. It will make it harder on yourself if you keep your feelings in.
•     Still try to take care of your body by exercising and eating well.
•     Try to keep your normal routines up as much as possible.
•    Some may have less of an appetite during stressful events, but this will lead to health issues.
•          Try not to use alcohol or drugs to cope with the feelings your experiencing, this will lead to more problems.

                                       Here is a video that can help you with some coping skills. 

You Are Not Alone

According to Cohen (2002), more than 1 million children per year experience their parents’ divorce, which can be can be an emotionally traumatic event for the children and their parents. Divorce can affect a child differently depending on their age, how the family gets along, how the parents respond to their own anger and loss to focus on their child’s feelings and needs.

Click here for what types of ways divorce can affect kids depending on their age. 

Parents of Divorce

Parents are also ones that suffer from divorce. According to Cohen (2002), mothers are more likely to consume alcohol to cope, and use more mental health services for their symptoms of depression and anxiety.  Fathers will feel pushed away and also may develop anxiety depression and turn to substance abuse. Fathers also may develop a feeling of feeling less accepted by their child.   

There are Resources in The Community

Many Communities have organizations such as crisis centers, hospitals, mental health clinics, and sometimes even churches, that offer helping services to those who are experiencing divorce or suffering from an emotional traumatic event. These organizations usually will help provide some form of individual or family counseling.     

References:

Cohen, G. J. (2002). Helping Children and Families Deal With Divorce and Separation. Pediatrics, 110(5), 1019-1023.